Dear diary,

“Happiness is a product of equanimity, meaning mental balance and the ability to be calmly objective. From this space of clarity and composure, the real essence of happiness can develop, which is inner peace. A type of peace that is not controlled or defined by external events, one that can move with the waves of life without getting overwhelmed or tossed around. – YP”

I have to read shit like this knowing damn well I will never have the ability to be this way or to achieve this kind of peace. Even fully medicated. But I still shove it down my throat every chance I get. I even made this quote my screensaver and I almost have it memorized. This sounds good in theory, but in practice? It’s the opposite of what I’m told to do. In therapy, the goal is acceptance of myself. Even the bad parts. I’m supposed to just wake up everyday with the weight of death sitting heavy on my chest and somehow say “let’s do this!” And I do. Some days are easier than others and I guess that’s the maximum amount of “peace” I’m able to maintain. I’ll keep riding the wave til it’s over. I just wish my ocean wasn’t so rough.

Xoxo,

Matilda 🎀